Signs of the Times
OLD Jokes
Just as good, but moved here so the jokes page will load faster
The Lone Ranger was
ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party.
The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, you are the great Lone
Ranger. In
honor of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three
days. But,
before I kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is
your first
request?"
The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse."
The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger,
who
whispers in Silver's ear and the horse gallops away. Later
that
evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his
back.
As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone
Ranger's tent
and spends the night.
The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed.
"You have a
very fine and loyal horse but I will still kill you in two
days. What
is your second request?"
The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is
brought to
him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As before,
Silver takes
off across the plains and disappears over the horizon.
Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again
returns, this
time with a brunette, even more attractive than the blonde.
She enters
the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.
The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed.
"You are
indeed a man of many talents but I still kill you tomorrow.
"What is
your last request?"
The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my
horse....alone."
The Chief is curious but he agrees and Silver is brought to
the Lone
Ranger's tent.
Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both
ears, looks
him square in the eye and says, "Listen very carefully you
dumb ***
horse. For the last time . . . BRING POSSEEEE!!!!"
During a visit to the
mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the
criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should
be institutionalized.
"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we
offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and
ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would
use the bucket
because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
"No." said the Director, "a normal person would pull the
plug. Do you want a bed near the window ... ?"
A blonde is desperately
looking for a parking place but can't find one.
"Lord," she says, "if you find me a parking place, I'll go
to Mass every day for the rest of my life and give up sex
and tequila."
Miraculously, a parking place appears.
The blonde says, "Never mind. I found one."
Little Thelma comes home
from first grade and tells her father that they learned
about the history of Valentine's Day. And, "Since
Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish,"
she asks, "Will God get mad at me for giving someone a
valentine?"
Thelma's father thinks a bit, then says "No, I don't think
God would get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?"
"Osama Bin Laden" she says.
"Why Osama Bin Laden?" her father asks in shock
"Well," she says, "I thought that if a little American
Jewish girl could have enough love to give Osama a
valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all
bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if
other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he'd
love everyone a lot. And then! ... he'd start going all over
the place tell everyone how much he loved them and how he
didn't hate anyone anymore."
Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with
newfound pride. "Thelma, that's the most wonderful thing
I've ever heard."
"I know," Thelma says, "and once that gets him out in the
open, the Marines could blow the **** out of him."
WHY PARENTS DRINK
The boss of a big company needed to call one of his
employees about an
urgent problem with one of the main
computers, dialed the employee's
home
phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper.
"Hello."
"Is your daddy home?" he asked.
"Yes," whispered the small voice.
"May I talk with him?"
The child whispered, "No."
Surprised, and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss
asked, "Is your
Mommy there?"
"Yes."
"May I talk with her?"
Again the small voice whispered, "No."
Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a
message, the boss
asked, "Is anybody else there?"
"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman."
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his
employee's home, the boss
asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"
"No, he's busy", whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?"
"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," came the
whispered
answer.
Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded
like a
helicopter through the earpiece on the phone the boss asked,
"What is
that noise?"
"A hello-copper" answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?" asked the boss, now truly alarmed.
In an awed, whispering voice the child answered, "The search
team just
landed the hello-copper."
Alarmed, concerned, and even more then just a little
frustrated the
boss asked, "What are they searching for?"
Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a
muffled giggle:
"ME."
then there was the Blonde that broke her arm raking leaves....yeah, broke her arm raking leaves....seems she slipped and fell out of the tree.....
A gentleman asked a
waiter to take a bottle of Merlot over to an
attractive woman.
The waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, "This is
from the
gentleman seated over there," indicating the sender.
She regarded the wine coolly for a second, not looking at
the man,
and decided to send a reply note to the man.
The waiter, who was lingering for a response, took the note
from her
and conveyed it to the gentleman.
The note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to
have a
Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and
7 inches in
your pants."
After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of
his own in return.
He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed
him to
return this to the woman.
It read: "For your information, I have a Ferrari Maranello,
a BMW Z8, a Mercedes CL600
and a Porsche Turbo in my garage. There is over twenty
million dollars in my bank account. But, not even for a
woman as beautiful as you would I cut three inches off. Just
send the bottle back."
.....little known fact....George W. Bush was actually turned down by the Navy for flight training after he identified Pensacola as a soft drink.....
A woman awakes during
the night to find that her husband is not in
their bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look
for him. She
finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of
coffee in front
of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at
the wall. She
watches as he wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of
his coffee.
What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the
room,
"Why are you down here at this time of night?" The husband
looks up from
his coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were
dating, and you
were only 16?" he asks solemnly. The wife is touched to
tears thinking
that her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do" she
replies.
The husband paused. The words were not coming easily. "Do
you remember
when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"
"Yes, I
remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair
beside him. The
husband continued. "Do you remember when he shoved the
shotgun in my
face and said, either you marry my daughter, or I will send
you to jail
for 20 years?"
"I remember that too" she replied softly. He wiped another
tear from
his cheek and said.......... "I would have gotten out
today."
One dark night outside a
small town in Minnesota, a fire started inside the local
chemical plant and in a blink of an eye it exploded into
massive flames. The alarm went out to all the fire
departments for miles around.
When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the
chemical company president rushed to the fire chief and
said, "All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the
center of the plant. They must be saved. I will give $50,000
to the fire department that brings them out intact." But the
roaring flames held the fire-fighters off.
Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the
situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the
president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the
fire department who could bring out the company's secret
files.
From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire
truck came into sight. It was the nearby Norwegian rural
township volunteer fire company composed mainly of
Norwegians over the age of 65. To everyone's amazement, the
little run-down fire engine, operated by these Norwegians,
passed all the newer sleek engines parked outside the
plant... and drove straight into the middle of the inferno.
Outside, the other firemen watched as the Norwegian old
timers jumped off and began to fight the fire with a
performance and effort never seen before. Within a short
time, the Norske old timers had extinguished the fire and
saved the secret formulas.
The grateful chemical company president joyfully announced
that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to
$200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the
brave, though elderly, Norske fire-fighters.
The local
TV news reporters rushed in after capturing the event on
film asking, "What are you going to do with all that money?"
"Vell," said Ole Larsen, the 70-year-old fire chief, "da
furst thing vee do is fix da brakes on dat foocking truck!
Two guys are walking
through the woods and come across this big deep
hole.
"Wow...that looks deep."
"Sure does... toss a few pebbles in there and see how deep
it is."
They pick up a few pebbles and throw them in and wait... no
noise.
"Jeeez. That is REALLY deep... here.. throw one of these
great big rocks
down there. Those should make a noise."
They pick up a couple football-sized rocks and toss them
into the hole
and wait... and wait. Nothing.
They look at each other in amazement. One gets a determined
look on his
face and says, "Hey...over here in the weeds, there's a
railroad tie. Help me carry it over here. When we toss THAT
sucker in,
it's GOTTA make some noise."
The two men drag the heavy tie over to the hole and heave it
in. Not a
sound comes from the hole.
Suddenly, out of the nearby woods, a sheep appears, running
like the
wind. It rushes toward the two men, then right past them,
running as fast as it's legs will carry it. Suddenly it
leaps in the air
and into the hole.
The two men are astonished with what they've just seen...
Then, out of the woods comes a farmer who spots the men and
ambles over.
Hey... you two guys seen my sheep out here?
You bet we did! Craziest thing I ever seen! It came running
like crazy
and just jumped into this hole!
Nah, says the farmer, That couldn't have been MY sheep. My
sheep was
chained to a railroad tie.
> > I was a very happy
person. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for
over a year and decided to get married. There was only one
thing bothering me: her beautiful younger sister.
> >
> > My sister-in-law-to-be was twenty-two, wore very tight
miniskirts and went bra-less. One day she called and asked
me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was
alone when I arrived, and she told me she had feelings and
desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She said she
wanted to make love to me just once before I married her
sister.
> >
> > Of course I was totally shocked and couldn't say a word.
> >
> > She unbuttoned her shirt exposing her beautiful bare
breast and let it drop from her arms to the floor, then she
said, "I'm going up stairs to my bedroom but if you want one
last wild fling, come up and join me.
> > I was stunned as I watched her go up the stairs.
Finally, at the top she pulled off her panties and threw
them down at me.
> >> >
> > I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a
beeline straight out the front door to my car.
> >
> > Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing
outside, all clapping!
> >
> With tears in his eyes, my future father-in-law hugged me
and said, "We're so happy that you've passed our little
test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter.
Welcome to the family."
> >
> > And the moral of this story is: Always keep your condoms
in your car.
The 1st Affair
A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon.
Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.
The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his
shoes
outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.
He put on his shoes and drove home.
"Where have you been?" his wife demanded.
"I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with
my secretary.
We had sex all afternoon."
She looked down at his shoes and said:
"You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"
The 2nd Affair
A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always
talked about having a son. They decided to try one last time
for the son they always wanted.
The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.
He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.
He told his wife: "There's no way I can be the father of
this baby.
Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!
Have you been fooling around behind my back?"
The wife smiled sweetly and replied: "Not this time!"
The 3rd Affair
A mortician was working late one night. He examined the body
of Mr. Schwartz,
about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery.
Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!
"I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," the mortician commented,
"I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive
private part.
It must be saved for posterity."
So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took
it home.
I have something to show you won't believe," he said to his
wife, opening his briefcase.
"My God!" the wife exclaimed, "Schwartz is dead!"
The 4th Affair
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband
opening the front door.
"Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner." She rubbed baby
oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't
move until I tell you," she said, " pretend you're a
statue."
"What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
"Oh it's a statue," she replied, "the Smiths bought one and
I liked it so I got one for us, too."
No more was said, not even when they went to bed.
Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and
returned with a sandwich and a beer. "Here," he said to the
statue, have this. I stood like that for two days at the
Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing."
The 5th Affair
A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a
beer.
"Certainly, Sir , that'll be one cent."
"One Cent?" the man exclaimed.
He glanced at the menu and asked:"How much for a nice juicy
steak and a bottle of wine?"
"A nickel," the barman replied.
"A nickel?" exclaimed the man. "Where's the guy who owns
this place?"
The bartender replied: "Upstairs, with my wife."
The man asked: "What's he doing upstairs with your wife?"
The bartender replied: "The same thing I'm doing to his
business down here."
The 6th Affair
Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.
He looked up and said weakly: "I have something I must
confess."
"There's no need to, " his wife replied.
"No," he insisted, "I want to die in peace.
I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend,
and your mother!"
"I know," she replied, " now just rest and let the poison
work."
The RECTRUM STRETCHER
While she was "flying" down the road yesterday (10 miles
over the
limit),
a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar
gun on the
other side lying in wait.
The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, and with that
classic
patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your
hurry?"
To which she replied, "I'm late for work."
"Oh, yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"
"I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.
The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just
what does a
rectum stretcher do?"
"Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then
work my way
up to two
fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in,
I work
from side to
side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but
surely
stretch it, until
it's about 6 feet wide."
"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot a$$4ole?" he
asked.
She said, "You give him a radar gun and park him behind a
bridge......."
Traffic Ticket $95.00
Court Costs $45.00
Look on the Cop's Face..................PRICELESS
A man is stumbling
through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a
preacher baptizing people in the river. He proceeds to walk
into the water
and subsequently bumps into the preacher. The preacher turns
around and is
almost overcome by the smell of booze. But, he still manages
to ask the
drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"
The drunk answers, "Yes,I am."
So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He
pulls him up and
asks the drunk, "Brother, have you found Jesus?"
The drunk replies, "No, I haven't found Jesus."
The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him into the
water again but for
a little longer this time. He again pulls him out of the
water and asks
again, "Have you found Jesus, my brother?"
The drunk again answers, "No, I haven't found Jesus."
By this time, the preacher is at his wits end so he dunks
the drunk in the
water again --- but this time he holds him down for about 30
seconds.
When the drunk begins kicking his arms and legs, the
preacher pulls him up.
The preacher asked the drunk again, "For the love of God,
have you found
Jesus?"
The drunk coughs, wipes his eyes, catches his breath, and
says,
"Preacher, are you for sure this is where he fell in?"
It started out
innocently enough. I began to think at parties now and then
-- just to loosen up. Inevitably, though, one thought led to
another, and soon I was more than just a social thinker. I
began to think alone -- "to relax," I told myself -- but I
knew it wasn't true. Thinking became more and more important
to me, and finally I was thinking all the time.
That was when things began to sour at home. One evening I
had turned off the
TV and asked my wife about the meaning of life. She
spent that night at her mother's. I began to think on the
job. I knew that thinking and employment don't mix, but I
couldn't stop myself. I began to avoid friends at lunchtime
so I could read Thoreau and Kafka. I would return to the
office dizzied and confused, asking, "What is it exactly we
are doing here?"
One day the boss called me in. He said, "Listen, I like you,
and it hurts me to say this, but your thinking has become a
real problem. If you don't stop thinking on the job, you'll
have to find another job."
This gave me a lot to think about. I came home early after
my conversation with the boss. "Honey," I confess, "I've
been thinking..."
"I know you've been thinking," she said, "and I want a
divorce!"
"But Honey, surely it's not that serious."
"It is serious," she said, and her lower lip began to
aquiver. "You think as much as college professors, and
college professors don't make any money, so if you keep on
thinking, we won't have any money!"
"That's a faulty syllogism," I said impatiently. She
exploded in tears of rage and frustration, but I was in no
mood to deal with the emotional drama. "I'm going to the
library," I snarled as I stomped out the door.
I headed for the library, in the mood for some Nietzsche. I
roared into the parking lot with NPR on the radio and ran up
to the big glass doors. They didn't open. The library was
closed. To this day, I believe that a Higher Power was
looking out for me that night. Leaning on the unfeeling
glass, whimpering for Zarathustra, a poster caught my eye,
"Friend, is heavy thinking ruining your life?" it asked.
You probably recognize that line. It comes from the standard
Thinkers Anonymous poster. Which is why I am what I am
today: a recovering thinker. I never miss a TA meeting. At
each meeting we watch a non-educational video; last week it
was "Porky's", the week before, it was "Animal House".
Then we share experiences about how we avoided thinking
since the last meeting. I still have my job, and things are
a lot better at home. Life just seemed...easier, somehow, as
soon as I stopped thinking. I think the road to recovery is
nearly complete for me.
Today I made the final step. I registered to be a
republican!
The bartender was washing his glasses,
and an elderly Irishman came in and with great difficulty,
hoisted his bad leg over the barstool, pulled himself up
painfully, asked for a sip of Irish whiskey.
The Irishman looked down the bar and said, "Is that Jesus
down there?" The bartender nodded and the Irishman told him
to give Jesus an Irish whiskey also.
The next patron was an ailing Italian with a hunched back
and slowness of movement. He shuffled up to the barstool and
asked for a glass of Chianti. He also looked down the bar
and asked if that was Jesus sitting down there. The
bartender nodded and the Italian said to give Him a glass of
Chianti, also.
The third patron, a redneck, swaggered in dragging his
knuckles on the floor and hollered. "Barkeep, set me up a
cold one. Hey, is that God's Boy down there?" The barkeep
nodded, and the redneck told him to give Jesus a cold one
too.
As Jesus got up to leave, he walked over to the Irishman and
touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed!"
The Irishman felt the strength come back to his leg, and he
got up and danced a jig to the door.
Jesus touched the Italian and said, "For your kindness you
are healed!" The Italian felt his back straighten and he
raised his hands above his head and did a flip out the door.
Jesus walked toward the redneck, and the redneck jumped back
and exclaimed, "Don't touch me, I'm drawin' disability!"
WHAT A WIFE SAYS...AND MEANS
The wife says: You want
The wife means: You want
The wife says: We need
The wife means: I want
The wife says: It's your decision
The wife means: The correct decision should be obvious
The wife says: Do what you want
The wife means: You'll pay for this later
The wife says: We need to talk
The wife means: I need to complain
The wife says: Sure... go ahead
The wife means: I don't want you to
The wife says: I'n not upset
The wife means: Of course I'm upset you moron
The wife says: You're ... so manly
The wife means: You need a shave and sweat a lot
The wife says: Be romantic, turn out the lights
The wife means: I have flabby thighs.
The wife says: This kitchen is so inconvenient
The wife means: I want a new house.
The wife says: I want new curtains.
The wife means: Also carpeting, furniture, and wallpaper!
The wife says: I need wedding shoes.
The wife means: The other forty pairs are the wrong shade of
white.
The wife says: Hang the picture there
The wife means: No, I mean hang it there!
The wife says: I heard a noise
The wife means: I noticed you were almost asleep.
The wife says: Do you love me?
The wife means: I'm going to ask for something expensive.
The wife says: How much do you love me?
The wife means: I did something today you're not going to
like.
The wife says: I'll be ready in a minute.
The wife means: Kick off your shoes and take an hour nap.
The wife says: Am I fat?
The wife means: Tell me I'm beautiful.
The wife says: You have to learn to communicate.
The wife means: Just agree with me.
The wife says: Are you listening to me?
The wife means: [Too late, your doomed.]
The wife says: Yes
The wife means: No
The wife says: No
The wife means: No
The wife says: Maybe
The wife means: No
The wife says: I'm sorry
The wife means: You'll be sorry
The wife says: Do you like this recipe?
The wife means: You better get used to it
The wife says: All we're going to buy is a soap dish
The wife means: I'm coming back with enough to fill this
place.
The wife says: Was that the baby?
The wife means: Get out of bed and walk him
The wife says: I'm not yelling!
The wife means: Yes I am! I think this is important!
In answer to the question "What's wrong?"
The wife says: The same old thing.
The wife means: Nothing.
The wife says: Nothing.
The wife means: Everything.
The wife says: Nothing, really.
The wife means: It's just that you're an idiot.
The wife says: I don't want to talk about it.
The wife means: I'm still building up steam.
FEMALE POEM
I want a man who's handsome and strong ,
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I want him to be gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, be not annoyed ,
Pulls out my chair and opens my door ,
Massages my back and begs to do more .
Oh... for a man who makes love to my mind,
And knows what to answer to "how big is my behind"?
I want this man to love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.
MALE POEM
I want a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge boobs who owns a
liquor store and a bass boat. I know this doesn't rhyme, and
I don't give a s***.
According to a news
report, a certain private school in Markham, ON
Canada, was recently faced with a unique problem. A number
of 12-year-old
girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in
the bathroom.
That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they
would press their
lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip
prints. Every night the
maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls
would put
them back.
Several memos were posted about this without effect. Finally
the
principal decided that something had to be done. She called
all the girls
to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man.
She explained that all these lip prints were causing a
problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every
night.
To demonstrate how difficult it was to clean the mirrors,
she asked the
maintenance man to show the girls just how hard it was.
Under careful
instructions, the man took out a long-handled squeegee,
solemnly dipped it
in the nearest toilet bowl, and scrubbed at the mirror.
There was complete silence in the room. Since then, there
have been no lip
prints on the mirror.
There are Teachers and then there are Educators!
Two lawyers sitting on a park bench eating lunch. A beautiful girl passes by. One turns to the other and says" I'd like to scr.. her " the other one replies" out of what"!
>A woman was
shopping at her local supermarket latenight where she
selected:
>
>A half-gallon of 2% milk,
>A carton of eggs,
>A quart of orange juice,
>A head of romaine lettuce,
>A 2 lb. can of coffee,
>And a 1 lb. package of bacon.
>
>As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to
check out, a
>drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items
in front of
>the cashier.
>
>While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk
calmly
>stated, "You must be single."
>
>The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she
was
>intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed
single.
>
>She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing
particularly
>unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the
drunk to
>her marital status.
>
>Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you
know what,
>you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know
that?"
>
>The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."
A man walks into a bar
carrying a sack and sits down and orders a drink.
The barman pours him a drink and asks"What are you carrying
there?"
The man replies casualy "I've got this little dude in here
who plays piano"
Barman "I dont believe you"
Man "It's true, here I'll show you"
The man procceds to extract from the sack a 12" man dressed
in a suit complete with a minature grand piano, who promptly
starts playing an extravegant piano peice.
Absolutely amazed, the barman exclaims "Thats amazing, where
on earth did you get him?"
Man "Well I found this old lamp, and when I was cleaning it
up this genie popped out and said I could have any wish I
wanted..."
Barman, interupting "Thats incredible!! You don't still have
it, do you?"
Man, pulling the lamp from sack "Well yeah but..."
Barman "I cant believe it. I'm going to be rich!!".
With that the barman snatches the lamp and furiously begins
to rub it.
Immediately a genie mists out of the lamp and proclaims "You
have summond me. You have but one wish that I can grant you,
so make it now!"
The barman doesn't hessitate in replying "I want a million
bucks!!"
The genie gives a solom bow and disappears back into the
lamp. Suddenly a million ducks appear from nowhere, flapping
inside and outside the pub, breaking glassess and windows,
quacking and pooping every where, swirling around and around
untill eventually, they fly of into the distance leaving
only silence behind.
The barman slowly rises from behind the bar, looks around
with a stunned look on his face, then yells "What the hell
stupid genie is that?!! I wanted a million bucks, not ducks"
The man replies "Don't look at me. Do you think I asked for
a 12" pianist?!"
WOMEN'S REVENGE
'Cash, check or charge?' I asked, after folding items the
woman wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control
for a television set in her purse.
'So, do you always carry your TV remote?' I asked.
'No,' she replied, 'but my husband refused to come shopping
with me,
and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him
legally.'
UNDERSTANDING WOMEN
(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)
I know I'm not going to understand women.
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,
pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the
root,
and still be afraid of a spider.
WIFE VS. HUSBAND
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not
saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and
neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
the husband asked sarcastically, 'Relatives of yours?'
'Yep,' the wife replied, 'in-laws.'
WORDS
A husband read an article to his wife about how many words
women use a day.
30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, 'The reason has to be because we have to
repeat everything to men....
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, 'What?'
CREATION
A man said to his wife one day, 'I don't know how you can be
so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
'The wife responded, 'Allow me to explain.
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!
WHO DOES WHAT
A man and his wife were having an argument about who
should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, 'You should do it because you get up first,
and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.
The husband said, 'You are in charge of cooking around here
and
you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just
wait for my coffee.'
Wife replies, 'No, you should do it, and besides, it is in
the Bible that the man should do the coffee.'
Husband replies, 'I can't believe that, show me.'
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and
showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says
.'HEBREWS'
On
the first day, God
created the dog and said:
'Sit all day by the door of your house
and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I
will give you a life span of twenty years.'
The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about
only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?'
So God agreed.
On the second day, God created the monkey and said:
'Entertain people, do tricks, and make
them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life
span.'
The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a
pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten
like the Dog did?'
And God agreed.
On the third day, God created the cow and said: 'You must go
into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under
the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's
family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty
years.'
The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to
live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back
the other forty?'
And God agreed again.
On the fourth day, God created man and said:
'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy
your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years.'
But man said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me
my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey
gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty,
okay?'
'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.'
So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep,
play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave
in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we
do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the
last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at
everyone.
Life has now been explained to you.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information.
I'm doing it as a public service.
These are actual comments (maybe, maybe not) made on students' report cards by teachers in the New York City public school system. All teachers were reprimanded (who knows, but boy are these funny?!)
1. Since my last report, your child has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
2. I would not allow this student to breed.
3 Your child has delusions of adequacy.
4. Your son is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
5. Your son sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
6. The student has a 'full six-pack' but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.
7. This child has been working with glue too much.
8. When your daughter's IQ reaches 50, she should sell.
9. The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
10. If this student were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
11. It's impossible to believe the sperm that created this child beat out 1,000,000 others.
|
Signs of the Times
|
Gun Safety or When the Wife Does Not Listen
NEW - Christmas Shopping Parking Lot!
Budweiser A feeling that lasts
New Funny "Understanding"
Christmas Special - Wrong Gift Again Kentucky Math (Funny Ma & Pa Kettle Classic)
All New idiots! - Idiot 1 Idiot 2 Idiot 3 Idiot with Jeep
Dedication, pure dedication
Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and values......
Stu said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, Did you? "
Leroy replied, "I'm not sure, What was her maiden name?"
A little boy went up to his father and asked: "Dad, where did all of my intelligence come from?"
The father replied. "Well son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine"
"Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce Court Judge said, "And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week." "That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself,"
A doctor examined a woman, took the husband aside, and said, "I don't like the looks of your wife at all."
"Me neither doc," said the husband. "But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."
The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."
Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder 1. All the DNA is the same.
2. There are no dental records.
A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, "Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City ?"
The agent replies, "Just a minute.."
"Thank you," the blonde says, and hangs up.
Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.
"How was he killed?" asked one detective.
"With a golf gun," the other detective replied.
"A golf gun?! What is a golf gun?"
"I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan."
Moe: "My wife got me to believe in religion."
Joe: "Really?"
Moe: "Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in hell."
A man is recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling.
"I'm O. K. but I didn't like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery," he aswered.
"What did he say," asked the nurse.
"OOPS!"
While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so I sought my husband's advice.
"What do you think?" I asked. "Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?"
"Better get a bikini," he replied. "You'd never get it all in one."
Men's BBQ Grills
HER DIARY:
Tonight: I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much.
I asked him what was wrong; he said, "Nothing." I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.
On the way home, I told him that I loved him.
He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't say, "I love you, too."
When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded to my caress, and we made love.
But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else.
My life is a disaster.
HIS DIARY:
The Funeral Procession
A hunter and his friend were sitting in a tall tower stand early one cold December morning.
Suddenly, a huge buck walked out over the corn they had spread in the shrub w/ a tailgate feeder.
Moving quickly, the hunter carefully aimed the Leopold scope on his .300 Win Mag at the unsuspecting buck.
As he was about to squeeze the trigger on this deer of a lifetime his friend alerted him to a funeral procession passing slowly down highway 481.
The hunter pulled away from the gunstock, set the rifle down, took off his hat, bowed his head, and then closed his eyes in prayer.
His friend was stunned. 'Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen you do. You are indeed the kindest man I have ever known, and I feel lucky to call you a friend.'
The hunter shrugged. 'Yeah, well, we were married for 35 years.'
So there I was . . . just relaxing in front of the T.V. when the kids yelled, "Hey Mom, come see the kittens."...................
The
exchange between Churchill and Lady Astor:
She said, "If you were my husband, I'd give you
poison," and he said, "If you were my wife, I'd take it."
Gladstone, a member of Parliament, to Benjamin
Disraeli:
"Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some
unspeakable disease."
"That depends, sir," said Disraeli, "On whether I
embrace your policies or your mistress."
"He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr
"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the
vices I admire." - Winston Churchill
"A
modest little person, with much to be modest
about." - Winston Churchill
"I have
never killed a man, but I have read many
obituaries with great pleasure." - Clarence Darrow
"He has
never been known to use a word that might send
a reader to the dictionary." - William Faulkner (about
Ernest Hemingway).
"Poor
Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come
from big words?" - Ernest Hemingway (about William
Faulkner)
"Thank
you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll
waste no time reading it." - Moses Hadas
"He can
compress the most words into the smallest idea
of any man I know." - Abraham Lincoln
"I
didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter
saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain
"He has
no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his
friends." - Oscar Wilde
"I am
enclosing two tickets to the first night of my
new play; bring a friend.... if you have one." -
George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
"Cannot
possibly attend first night, will attend
second... if there is one." - Winston Churchill, in
response.
"I feel
so miserable without you; it's almost like
having you here." - Stephen Bishop
He is a
self-made man and worships his creator." -
John Bright
"I've
just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's
nothing trivial." - Irvin S. Cobb
"He is
not only dull himself, he is the cause of
dullness in others." - Samuel Johnson
"He is
simply a shiver looking for a spine to run
up." - Paul Keating
"There's
nothing wrong with you that reincarnation
won't cure." - Jack E. Leonard
"He has
the attention span of a lightning bolt." -
Robert Redford
"They
never open their mouths without subtracting from
the sum of human knowledge." - Thomas Brackett Reed
"He
loves nature in spite of what it did to him." -
Forrest Tucker
"Why do
you sit there looking like an envelope without
any address on it?" - Mark Twain
"His
mother should have thrown him away and kept the
stork." - Mae West
"Some
cause happiness wherever they go; others,
whenever they go."- Oscar Wilde
"He uses
statistics as a drunken man uses
lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination."
-
Andrew Lang (1844-1912)
"He has
Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder
"I've
had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this
wasn't it." - Groucho Marx
1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."
6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home." Doc: "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." Patient: "Is it common?" Doc: "Well, It's Not Unusual."
8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.
9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
10. DejaMoo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"
13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.
14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, "Dam!"
16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why,"
they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."
18. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Year's later; Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him......A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
20. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
A Classic I have not seen for 20 years
The Web site Jalopnik is featuring this photo taken at the Texas State Fair. It shows a Toyota Truck racing trailer being towed by a Chevrolet Silverado. Jalopnik concludes that Toyota doesn't have a pickup capable of hauling the trailer and says, "...it's probably a little embarrassing to have the competition hauling you around by your trailer hitch." Even Toyota needs a Chevrolet Silverado.
65' Custom Built Motor yacht, staterooms, GPS navigation, twin supercharged diesels, etc. = $ 2.5 million
Crane and Rigging complete with faulty turnbuckle = $2,500 per hour
Champagne and Strawberries, dockside, for the excited "soon to be owners = $250.00
Watching your dream boat nose dive into the harbor, accompanied by two corporate representatives just prior to "inking" the final paperwork........
Priceless!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A young guy from Minnesota moved to Florida; he went to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.
The Manager asked, "Do you have any sales experience?"
The kid answered, "Yes. I was a salesman back in Minnesota."
Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job.
"You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough, but the kid got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down.
"How many customers bought something from you today?
The kid replied, "one".
Disappointed, the boss sighed and asked, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?"
The kid answered "$121,237.65".
The boss exclaimed, "$121,237.65? What the heck did you sell?" The kid says, "First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Boston Whaler. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4 x 4 Expedition."
The boss gasped, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?"
Calmly, the kid replied "No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing."
********************************************
The in-flight "safety lecture" and pre-flight announcements on airplanes are sometimes spiced up a bit at some airlines. Here is some real examples that have been heard or reported:
"And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta Airlines is pleased to have some o f the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"
********************************************
"Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City : The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault. It was the asphalt."
*********************************************
"Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas , on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo . Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!"
**************************************************
"Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing. "We ask
you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the
terminal."
***************************************************
"An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the Passengers exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying our airline." He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane.
She said,"Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?" "Why, no, Ma'am," said the pilot. What is it?" The little old lady said, "Did we land, or were we shot down?"
*******************************************************
"After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal."
*********************************************************
"Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of US Airways."
*********************************************************
A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles . The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax...OH, MY GOSH!" Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants! A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"
******************************************************
Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. "Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to smoke, the smoking section on this airplane is on the wing and if you can light 'em, you can smoke 'em."
There were two nuns...
One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM),
and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).
It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.
SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.
SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.
SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?
SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.
SM: It's not working.
SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.
SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.
SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.
So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.
Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical .
Then Sister Logical arrives.
SM: Sister Logical ! Thank God you are here!
Tell me what happened!
SL : The only logical thing happened.
The man couldn't follow us both,so he followed me
SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?
SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.
SM : And?
SL : The only logical thing happened. He reached me
SM : Oh, dear! What did you do?
SL : The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.
SM : Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.
SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
SL : Isn't it logical, Sister?
A nun with her dress up can run faster than man with his pants down.
And for those of you who thought it would be dirty,
I'll pray for you!
Why you should quit smoking Be nice to dumbo
"Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without an accordion. All you do is leave behind a lot of noisy baggage."
Colonoscopies are
no joke
, but these comments during the exam were quite
humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual
comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was
performing their colonoscopies :
1. "Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone
before!
2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"
3. "Can you hear me NOW?"
4. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we
there yet?"
5. "You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married."
6. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"
7. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out..."
8. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"
9 "If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!
10. "Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."
11. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"
12. "God, now I know why I am not gay."
13. "Should I smile for my Kodak Moment?"
And the best one of all...
14. "Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not
up there?"
*********************************************************************
Remember it takes a college degree to fly a plane but only a high school diploma to fix one.
Reassurance for those of us who fly routinely in our jobs. After every flight, Quantas pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor.
Here are some maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.
By the way, Quantas is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
And the best one for last..................
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.
A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."
The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, that's different; you didn't tell me you had a prescription."
Menopause Jewelry
My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring
The other day so he would be able to monitor my moods.
We've discovered that when I'm in a good mood, it turns green. When
I'm in a bad mood; it leaves a big freaking red mark on his forehead.
Lazy?
Twins go better with Coke
The funniest boating video I have seen in a long time
Two guys are quietly sitting in a boat fishing. Almost silently so as not to scare the fish one says, "I think I'm going to divorce my wife - she hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months."
It's quiet for a couple of minutes, then his buddy thoughtfully says, "You better think it over - women like that are hard to find."
To my darling husband,
Before you return from your overseas trip I just want to let you know about the small accident I had with the pick up truck when I turned into the driveway. Fortunately not to bad and I really didn't get hurt, so please don't worry too much about me.
I was coming home from Wal-Mart, and when I turned into the driveway I accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake.
The garage door is slightly bent but the pick up fortunately came to a halt when it bumped into your car.
I am really sorry but I know with your kind hearted personality you will forgive me. You know how much I love you and care for you my sweet heart. I cannot wait to hold you in my arms again.
Your loving wife.
SUNDAY:
IT WAS PALM SUNDAY AND, BECAUSE OF A SORE THROAT, FIVE-YEAR-OLD JOHNNY STAYED HOME FROM CHURCH WITH A SITTER. WHEN THE FAMILY RETURNED HOME, THEY WERE CARRYING SEVERAL PALM BRANCHES.
THE BOY ASKED WHAT THEY WERE FOR.
"PEOPLE HELD THEM OVER JESUS' HEAD AS HE WALKED BY."
"WOULDN'T YOU KNOW IT," THE BOY FUMED. "THE ONE SUNDAY I DON'T GO, HE SHOWS UP!"
CHILDREN'S SERMON:
ONE EASTER SUNDAY MORNING, AS THE MINISTER WAS PREACHING THE CHILDREN'S SERMON, HE REACHED INTO HIS BAG OF PROPS AND PULLED OUT AN EGG. HE POINTED AT THE EGG AND ASKED THE CHILDREN, "WHAT'S IN HERE?"
"I KNOW!" A LITTLE BOY EXCLAIMED. "PANTYHOSE!"
SUPPORT A FAMILY:
THE PROSPECTIVE FATHER-IN-LAW ASKED, "YOUNG MAN, CAN YOU SUPPORT A FAMILY?"
THE SURPRISED GROOM-TO-BE REPLIED, "WELL, NO. I WAS JUST PLANNING TO SUPPORT YOUR DAUGHTER. THE REST OF YOU WILL HAVE TO FEND FOR YOURSELVES."
GRANDMA'S AGE:
LITTLE JOHNNY ASKED HIS GRANDMA HOW OLD SHE WAS. GRANDMA ANSWERED, "39 AND HOLDING."
JOHNNY THOUGHT FOR A MOMENT, AND THEN SAID, "AND HOW OLD WOULD YOU BE IF YOU LET GO?"
FIRST TIME USHERS:
A LITTLE BOY IN CHURCH FOR THE FIRST TIME WATCHED AS THE USHERS PASSED AROUND THE OFFERING PLATES.
WHEN THEY CAME NEAR HIS PEW, THE BOY SAID LOUDLY, "DON'T PAY FOR ME DADDY.....I'M UNDER FIVE."
PRAYERS:
THE SUNDAY SCHOOL TEACHER ASKED, "NOW, JOHNNY, TELL ME.....DO YOU SAY PRAYERS BEFORE EATING?"
"NO SIR," HE REPLIED, "WE DON'T HAVE TO.....MY MOM IS A GOOD COOK!"
CLIMB THE WALLS:
"OH, I SURE AM HAPPY TO SEE YOU," THE LITTLE BOY SAID TO HIS GRANDMOTHER ON HIS MOTHER'S SIDE. "NOW MAYBE DADDY WILL DO THE TRICK HE HAS BEEN PROMISING US."
THE GRANDMOTHER WAS CURIOUS. "WHAT TRICK IS THAT?" SHE ASKED.
"I HEARD HIM TELL MOMMY THAT HE WOULD CLIMB THE WALLS IF YOU CAME TO VISIT", THE LITTLE BOY ANSWERED.
THE MOOD RING:
MY HUSBAND BOUGHT ME A MOOD RING THE OTHER DAY. WHEN I'M IN A GOOD MOOD IT TURNS GREEN. WHEN I'M IN A BAD MOOD, IT LEAVES A RED MARK ON HIS FOREHEAD.
THE WATER PISTOL:
WHEN MY THREE-YEAR-OLD SON OPENED THE BIRTHDAY GIFT FROM HIS GRANDMOTHER, HE DISCOVERED A WATER PISTOL. HE SQUEALED WITH DELIGHT....AND HEADED FOR THENEAREST SINK.
I WAS NOT SO PLEASED. I TURNED TO MOM AND SAID, "I'M SURPRISED AT YOU. DON'T YOU REMEMBER HOW WE USED TO DRIVE YOU CRAZY WITH WATER GUNS?"
MOM SMILED....AND THEN REPLIED.....,"I REMEMBER."
LIFE AFTER DEATH:
"DO YOU BELIEVE IN LIFE AFTER DEATH?" THE BOSS ASKED ONE OF HIS EMPLOYEES.
"YES, SIR," THE NEW EMPLOYEE REPLIED.
"WELL, THEN, THAT MAKES EVERYTHING JUST FINE," THE BOSS WENT ON. "AFTER YOU LEFT EARLY YESTERDAY TO GO TO YOUR GRANDMOTHER'S FUNERAL, SHE STOPPED IN TO SEE YOU.
The following 15 Police Comments were taken off of actual police car videos around the country. (I don't know if they are, but they are funny anyway.)
#15 "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."
#14 "Take your hands off the car, and I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."
#13 "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
#12 "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? In case you didn't know, that is the average speed of a 9mm bullet fired from my gun."
#11 "So you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"
#10 "Yes, Sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh . did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"
#9 "Warning! You want a warning? O. K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
#8 "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"
#7 "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in monkey DOO."
#6 "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."
#5 "In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."
#4 "Just how big were those two beers?"
#3 "No sir we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."
#2 "I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of yours. At least you know someone who can post your bail."
And.................... THE BEST ONE !!!!!!!
#1 "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? ... You're right, we don't. .... Sign here.
Warning - F word toward the end.
Click on the pictures for a better view. I wonder how they even accomplished some of those things.
IDLE THOUGHTS OF A RETIRED PERSON
(and if you can find any thoughts more idle, or is that addled, please let me know. )
I planted some birdseed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.
I had amnesia once -- or twice.
I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart. Now what?
Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.
All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
If the world were a logical place, men would ride horses sidesaddle.
What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
They told me I was gullible ... and I believed them.
Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to merge his car onto a freeway.
Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.
Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.
When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to look like a nail.
A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
What was the greatest thing before sliced bread? Hmmmm?
My weight is perfect for my height -- which varies.
I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.
How can there be self-help "groups"?
Is there another word for synonym?
Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
The speed of time is one second per second.
Is it possible to be totally partial?
What's another word for thesaurus?
Is Marx's tomb a communist plot?
If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off.
It's not an optical illusion. It just looks like one.
Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken
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A man in his 40s bought a new Corvette and was out driving on the interstate at top speed when he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.
"There's no way they can catch a Corvette," he thought to himself and sped up even more. Then the reality of the situation hit him.
"What the heck am I doing?" he thought, and pulled over.
The cop came up to him, took his license without a word, then examined it and the car. "It's been a long day and it's the end of my shift," he said.
"I don't feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."
The guy thought for a second and said, "Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back."
"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.
If I see him at all, I'm leaving anyway
Yes, the sound of jackhammers....
Try smoking indoors, away from the sound, where your baby will be safe from sounds.
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At the 2006 Grand Rapids show I opened my trailer and here was one of my cats. He had gone "exploring" and I did not see him when I closed it up. After about 18 hours closed in there, he was kind of happy to get out!
Here are some More cats. Check out the one chasing the bear.
This one I was not sure about, but here it is anyway
So he has days like that too!
The following came from an anonymous Mother in Austin, Texas...
Things I've learned from my Boys (honest and not kidding):
1.) A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.
2.) If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
3.) A 3-year old Boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
4.) If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound Boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls in a 20x20 ft. room.
5.) You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
6.) The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
7.) When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh", it's already too late.
8.) Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
9.) A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old Man says they can only do it in the movies.
10.) Certain Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old Boy.
11.) Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.
12.) Super glue is forever.
13.) No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.
14.) Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
15.) VCR's do not eject "PB &J" sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
16.) Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
17.) Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
18.) You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.
19.) Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.
20.) The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.
21.) The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
22.) It will, however, make cats dizzy.
23.) Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
The last video is amazing. What is so hard about NOT hitting a car in the breakdown lane with a police car behind it?
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A drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night, and led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet. "What's that big brass gong?" one of the guests asked.
"It's not a gong. It's a talking clock," the drunk replied.
"A talking clock; Seriously?" asked his astonished friend.
"Yup," replied the drunk.
"How's it work?" the friend asked, squinting at it.
"Watch," the drunk replied.
He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound, and stepped back.
The three stood looking at one another for a moment.
Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, "You $$*&^%$...it's three-fifteen! in the morning!"
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(My favorite is the horse being branded. If you stick a big animal with a red hot iron, you should be expecting this.)
I think Mark Twain said, "Comedy is when you fall into a hole, tragedy is when I fall into a hole."
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SINGLE BLACK
FEMALE seeks male companionship, race unimportant. I'm a very
good-looking girl who LOVES to play, take long walks in the woods,
hunting, camping, fishing trips, and cozy winter nights by the fire.
I really like a man with a pickup truck. A candlelight dinner will
have me eating out of your hand. I'll be at the front door when you
get home from work, wearing only what nature gave me. Rub me the
right way and watch me respond. Kiss me and I'm yours. Call
(404)875-6420 and ask for Daisy.
Over 15,000 men found themselves talking to the Atlanta Humane
Society about an 8-week old black Labrador retriever puppy.
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Cop's Worst Nightmare
JibJab.com has a new video
The Gorgeous Redhead
A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out
since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to start a conversation.
Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.
"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says. They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap ...... and stay for breakfast. They have a wonderful, wonderful time. The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings.
The guy is amazed!! Everything has been SO incredible!!!!
"You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"
"No," she replies........."
Wait for it... (scroll down)
It's coming...
The suspense is killing you, isn't it?
She says:
"You just happened to catch my eye."
(Oh be quiet, I just forward them, I don't write them.)
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Joe goes to his in-laws for Christmas with his wife. the older couple is in their 80's.
He asks his Father-in-law what he got his wife for Christmas.
"Nothing Dammit, She hasn't used what I got her last year."
"What was that?"
"A cemetery plot."
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Ole lived across the River from Clarence who he didn't like at all. They all the time were yelling across the river at each other.
Ole would yell to Clarence, "If I had a vay to cross dis river I'd come over dere an beat you up good, yeah sure ya betcha by gooly!"
This went on for years. Finally the state built a bridge across the river right there by their houses.
Ole's wife, Lena says "Now is you chance, Ole, vhy don't you go over dere and beat up dat Clarence like you said you voud?"
Ole says, "OK by yimminyI tink I vill do yust dat"
Ole started for the bridge but he sees a sign on the bridge an he stops to read it. then he turn around an comes back home.
Lena asked, "why did you come back?"
Ole said, "Lena, I tink I change my mind 'bout beatin' up dat Clarence, you know, dey put a sign on da bridge dat says "Clarence is 13 feet 6 inches"
You know, he don't look near dat big vhen I yell at him from across da river"
10-20-2005 My Sister-in Law sent me this today, and I confirmed it on the Portland (Maine) Press Herald's website. Sorry Susan, it was too unbelievable, I had to confirm you were not pulling my leg....
Reflectors on moose horns, signs will prevent injuries
Having an accident with a moose, resulting in his death and our rental car totaled and two of us sent to the hospital, I think there is a better way than extending the hunting season. We need:
1. More signs, "Moose Crossing" and "Deer Crossing." There were none between New Harbor and Damariscotta.
2. Lighted places for animals to cross more safely.
3. Underground passageways.
4. Putting reflectors on moose horns. That would keep the game wardens busy.
Ruth E. Pope
Newcastle
Ms. Pope, go buy a reflector, go out and chase down a bull Moose and put one on his "horns". Let me know how that works out for you.
10-4-2005 Nipsey Russell Died today. One of those guys you would know if you saw him
"The opposite of pro is con
That fact is clearly seen
If progress means move forward
Then what does Congress mean?"
A man and his
ten-year-old son walk into an open air market. The child is amusing
himself by flipping a quarter into the air and catching it in his
teeth.
Another patron in the market bumped into the boy and the quarter
went right into his mouth and down his throat where it lodged.
The boy immediately began to choke and wheeze. As his face gets
darker, his father tries vainly to pound him on the back to dislodge
the quarter. Others come over to help or offer advise. There
is quite a ruckus. At the coffee bar in the market, there is a
very collected looking woman in a dark blue business suit. Hearing
the commotion, she puts her unfinished coffee cup down, folds her
newspaper neatly and lays it on the counter.
Then she gets up, walks unhurriedly to the crowd around the boy, and
grips him by the ----. She gradually increases the firmness of
her grip until she is squeezing quite hard. Suddenly, the boy
coughs up the quarter, which she catches deftly with
her other hand. She then hands the quarter to the father, and walk
calmly back to the counter, opens her newspaper and proceeds to
finish her coffee.
The father, after making sure his son is all right, comes over to
her and offers profuse thanks. "I've never seen anyone like that
before," he says, "are you a doctor?"
"No," she replies, "a divorce attorney."
(I say a divorce
attorney would have only given him a dime back)
New Mouse
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FORGIVE THY ENEMIES
Toward the end of the service, the Minister asked, "How many of you have
forgiven your enemies?"
80% held up their hands.
The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one
small elderly lady.
"Mrs. Jones? Are you not willing to forgive your enemies? "
"I don't have any." She replied, smiling sweetly.
"Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?"
"Ninety-eight." she replied.
"Oh, Mrs. Jones, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person
can live ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the world?"
The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation,
and said: "I outlived the a--holes."
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Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, "Lillian, you should have remained a virgin." - Lillian Carter
(mother of the 64th President Jimmy Carter)
I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: "No good in a bed, but fine against a wall." - Eleanor Roosevelt
Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.
- Mark Twain
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible. - George Burns
Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year. - Victor Borge
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. - Mark Twain
What would men be without women? Scarce, sir...mighty scarce. - Mark Twain
By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. - Socrates
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. - Groucho Marx
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe. - Jimmy Durante
The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and kindness, can be trained to do most things. - Jilly Cooper
I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back. - Zsa Zsa Gabor
Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat. - Alex Levine
Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first. - Mark Twain
My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying. - Ed Furgol
Money can't buy you happiness... but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery. - Spike Milligan
What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money. - Henny Youngman
I am opposed to millionaires... but it would be dangerous to offer me the position. - Mark Twain
Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was shut up. - Joe Namath
Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life. - Herbert Henry Asquith
I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap. - Bob Hope
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it. - WC. Fields
We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress. - Will Rogers
Don't worry about avoiding temptation... as you grow older, it will avoid you. - Winston Churchill
Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty... but everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out. - Phyllis Diller
The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good spit it out. - Unknown
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
Tough Love vs. Spanking
Most of America's populace thinks it very improper to spank children, so I have tried other methods to control our kids when they have one of "those" moments.
One that I found very effective is for me
to take the child for a car ride and talk.
They usually calm down and stop misbehaving shortly after our little car ride together.
I've included the photo below of one of my sessions with my son, in case you would like to use the technique.
It's very effective!
An oldie but a goodie..
I wish I had this dog...
"You know you're a redneck when......."
1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.
2. You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter.
3. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
4. You burn your yard rather than mow it.
5. You think the "Nutcracker" is something you do off the high dive.
6. The Salvation Army declines your furniture.
7. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.
8. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.
9. You come back from the dump with more than you took.
10. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
11. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
12. Your grandmother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.
13. You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.
14. You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
15. You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.
16. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
17. You have a rag for a gas cap.
18. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.
19. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
20. You can spit without opening your mouth.
21. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.
22. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
23. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say "Cool Whip" on the side.
24. The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.
25. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.
26. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.
27. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 worth of improvements.
28. You've used a toilet brush to scratch your back.
29. You missed your 5th grade graduation because you were on jury duty.
30. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65.
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RULES FOR CUTTING YOUR OWN FIREWOOD:
1. Park twice as far from the tree as the tree is tall.
2. It helps to notch the tree away from the truck.
3. The fact that you live within driving distance of a forest does not make you a lumberjack.
and
4. Just to be on the safe side, always borrow your buddy's truck.
